Ocean Deep
by vulpixfairy
Summary: More RuHana slash added with some angst from Yours Truly...Summary? In a bar, poor Sakuragi's musing is focused on his lover who seemingly does not return his feelings...(it's not as bad as you think)


Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Slam Dunk (belongs to Inoue Takehiko)

Author's note: This will be a very angsty story here. I was inspired by one of Sir Cliff Richard's songs, it's called 'Ocean Deep' and it's so sad, I can't stand sad endings (maybe bittersweet endings but nevertheless, they make my heart break). Tell me what you think of this story...

Warnings: As always, yaoi (male/male love thing), OOC, possible clichéd plot, angst and expect fluffiness at the end

* * *

Ocean Deep  


The pub's dim lit and almost silent atmosphere matched Sakuragi's depressed demeanor as the redhead went in and settled for a beer at the counter. Sakuragi noticed several people in the bar while listening to stereo slow music in the night that matched the somber mood.

'Kuso...' Sakuragi sighed heavily, one hand gripping his red locks in frustration, 'Every night it's the same...he wouldn't come near me...and he would shout at me to leave him alone...what have I done wrong to make him like this?'

Sakuragi pushed his beer aside, no longer interested in consuming the beverage to drown his nightly sorrows. His thoughts were focused on his fox-eyed lover, Rukawa Kaede, who ironically became his inspiration in playing basketball. He thought back when they got together briefly after a brief amendment from rivalry to grudging respect. It wasn't exactly romantic. They mutually came to be just like when they became enemies at first glance. But there were no solid promises on whether their relationship would solidify to promising levels and one year after that proved it.

Rukawa and Sakuragi were living together as roommates in the dorms of Kanagawa University but it seemed that the blue-eyed man didn't want the other to come close to him. He stiffened at Sakuragi's gentle caresses and chaste kisses. He would push Sakuragi away whenever he would give a hug. He said nothing when Sakuragi said 'Daisuki' or 'Aishiteru'. Rukawa had insisted to sleep on separate ends of the double-bed they were sharing.

The memories were painful to bear. Sakuragi, being the loud and affectionate one, was ironically frightened of Rukawa's deadly silent demeanor. He knew his lover inside and out. The icy silence was everything to Rukawa but little did he knew, it was killing the red-haired man, suffering in the name of love.

'Everything was nothing to him then...' Sakuragi frowned, his balled fists turning pale with cut-off blood circulation, 'Maybe I'm...'

Just then, the song in the stereo changed. Hearing the first few notes that followed, Sakuragi sighed and settled to lie his head on his folded arms on the counter top, his brown misty eyes filled with new depression and sadness. He heard the song before and it fitted so perfectly in his situation. Enough to make him inflict self-pity in his soul.

* * *

'All I wanted is to be loved...' Sakuragi sighed and buried his head in the open spaces his arms created, 'Why can't I have a chance to love you, Kaede?'

Sakuragi wasn't the type to hide his feelings. It just didn't suit the boisterous character that was Sakuragi Hanamichi. Keeping them inside would make him burst like a balloon. But being with the Ice Prince of Kanagawa, the redhead was forced to hide his sadness and his deteriorating spirit. He hated to be pitied but inside, he was dying. The hatred he felt for his ex-rival faded to non-existence. Instead, he wanted to love Rukawa, his icy-hearted Kitsune. He wanted to show him the beautiful emotion and hoped that it could be reciprocated back to him. But it didn't...

'Is it too much to ask...'

His hopes died gradually to be replaced with pain and depression that he couldn't see basketball in the same light. He had admitted to himself that Rukawa's basketball skills were superior to his but the pain of the comparative realisation didn't match the pain of unreciprocated love.

'I thought that he needs me as much as I need him...' the slicing pain was cutting through, 'I want to help him...'

Rukawa was lonely as Sakuragi was in the past. But it seemed like he didn't need the redhead's help even though they became lovers. Distant lovers, in the redhead's view. He dreaded the inevitable that the raven-haired man would actually leave him.

* * *

'What is real freedom...' Sakuragi felt the burn in his eyes but held it back, 'Having someone to turn to...someone who would understand...someone who would love you back...I thought I have it but I was wrong...'

Perhaps Rukawa might have had a change of heart. Rukawa may not have loved him at all by the way he acted. He was cold and silent, yes. But to the worst extent in the redhead's perspective. It was as if Rukawa was making an effort to turn into Sakuragi's bane of existence: to slowly lull him to depression. There were others who were better than him in basketball and physical appearance. Rukawa's killer silence and icy stare made the redhead stutter, slowly making him keep the affections for his lover to himself.

'Does he ever care how I feel for him? I am really a do'aho to think that he would ever care...'

Sakuragi's depression was slowly reaching to eighty percent on the depression meter as he recalled the long nights when he would cry himself to sleep after Rukawa was safely in a deep slumber. Yes, the self-proclaimed Tensai cried. Who would think that the cheerful and egotistical redhead had experience with negative feelings?

No one would hear his muffled sobs of anguished pain and sadness. No one would ever know how much Sakuragi needed a soft embrace, forcing to make do with a pillow he could only crush, hopelessly willing it to embrace him back. At night was the time when Sakuragi could only silently cry out his pain he wasn't allowed to present in broad daylight.

* * *

'Why do I still feel more alone than ever?'

Rukawa was not a giver nor a receiver, yet he was controlling the pace of their relationship, the seme of the pair.

Sakuragi eventually picked his head up from his arms. He frowned and gave a scowl when he found a couple softly making out in a dark corner of the bar. His heart pained yet once again. He wanted so much to break the scene: break that boy's head and make the girl cry. So that they could feel the pain he was experiencing. But he couldn't as he was glued to his seat and he felt heavy with the sinking feeling of growing jealousy and sadness combined. By looking at the couple, he knew that he was wishing for the unattainable.

'I just want a tiny bit of love...or a simple touch from you, Kitsune...' Sakuragi wished in his burdened heart, his throat and misty brown eyes suppressing the urge to cry.

* * *

Sakuragi sniffed shakily, covering his eyes with his hands.

'What if he really did love someone else...that means I'll just leave him...' he coughed, the last vestiges of his bravado fading and the depression meter reaching to the maximum, 'But I can't...I can't leave Kitsune...'

Despite the hurt inflicted upon his bright character, Sakuragi knew that his love would never fade. He had fallen for the opposite traits to his and the beautiful icy features of the raven-haired man. Even if the redhead did leave him, he would still suffer the anguish of separation. He felt like he was trapped between two planes of pain, continue to endure his lover's cold silence and his nightly ritual of crying or to break it off with him and suffer heartache that would surely last for eons.

* * *

'I'd rather die...if it makes him happy...I...'

"Do'aho..."

Sakuragi stilled, feeling the hairs prickle at the back of his head. He didn't dare to face him...he knew that voice anywhere. He swallowed the lump formed in his throat and strictly willed his eyes to not well up with tears. He could practically feel the intense gaze.

"Do'aho, what're you doing here?"

"Why don't you mind your own business, Kitsune!"

Sakuragi turned to face his lover in the eye. The sadness he felt was then slowly combined with bitter anger, that it made the misty brown eyes look almost stony. Sakuragi sharply stood up and confronted the other man, his fists clenched to the side. The people in the bar were indifferent to this sort of situation as the bar was the most popular place to hold a scene such as this.

"You've been spying on me, haven't you, Kitsune?" the redhead said with a quivering voice, "Since when you became concerned for me?"

Rukawa, his icy mask slightly distorted, was taken back by the look his lover given him. It was filled with negative emotions: anger, jealousy and sadness. Not one single trace of happiness. He saw love in his eyes. But it was a different kind: a love laced with a bitter edge.

"Yes, I followed you, Do'aho," Rukawa said softly, "I couldn't sleep and found you outside the building. And here...that's where I found you. I watched you for a while, seeing you being sad and lonely, before I came in. Let's go home..."

"Don't toy with me," Sakuragi whispered coldly that made the other flinch, "You only wanted me to come back so that you could sleep when you hear me cry."

"Cry? What're you talking about?"

"Ha! See!" Sakuragi pointed an accusing finger at his lover, "You never care what's around you. Don't you know what you're doing to me, Kaede!

"Hana-"

"No, you shut up and listen to me!" at this point, the depression completely transformed to venting anger, "I hate this gap between us! All you did was push me away like I never mattered. I got past my phase of hating you but why do you still hate me! It's been a whole year!"

"You're wrong, Hana! I-"

"But you act like you don't! I wanted to love you! I still do even though I'm hurting!"

Sakuragi turned away sharply from his lover who was staring at his back with wide eyes. Struggling to keep his tears at bay, he tried to give a cold glare. But he failed miserably as his glare turned into a pained, hurt look that even made Rukawa's eyes sadden.

"Hana...onegai..." Rukawa reached for his hand but the redhead pulled away and stepped backwards, "Hana..."

"Don't leave me like this, Kaede. Say it straight to me," Sakuragi said in a quivering tone, "Say that you hated me all this time...for the past year. I can't take the pain anymore. I want it to end. I can't have any more doubts. Admit it! There's someone better than me and you're pushing me away. That's enough proof to let me know that I'm not wanted."

"Stop it, Do'aho!"

Before the redhead knew it, he was thrown to the ground as he felt a punch against his jaw. He was shocked to the pits as he laid unmoving, his jaw now sporting a bruise.

'Kitsune...' his eyes flashed with hurt as he braced to see his lover.

Rukawa was shocked at what he had done to his lover. He didn't mean to silence the redhead in that manner. He panicked when he saw the brown eyes sparkling with a sheen of unshed tears. He immediately fell to Sakuragi's side, propping him up.

"Hana! Do'aho! I'm so sorry! I-"

"No...no," Sakuragi shook his head and pushed Rukawa away as he stood up, "I was wrong that I thought that I could love you when you won't return it to me. I-I'd better go. You won't have to see me again. I'll move out and rent an apartment somewhere. I'm sorry for ruining your life with my stupid weaknesses, Kitsune. You're better off without me to bother you."

Just as the redhead was about to take a step towards the exit, Rukawa immediately leapt up and wrapped his arms around his lover's body, shouting hoarsely, "Don't go, Do'aho! I beg of you! I need you!"

Sakuragi gasped in surprise at the sudden outburst and his heart stilled to find tears trailing down Rukawa's cheeks, his blue eyes stricken with panic and fear.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, Hana..."

The redhead's breath hitched as Rukawa pulled him for a tight, bone-crushing hug that he couldn't breath. The sudden warmth circulated through his system but the redhead made no move to return the embrace.

"It's all my fault...I'm so sorry. I was a coward. I was jealous how you could express your feelings without holding anything back. I was so selfish. I was hurting you because of me. I actually heard you cry each night and I couldn't sleep well because of it. I was scared of you."

Sakuragi stiffened. Rukawa was scared of him...because of his love.

Sakuragi shook his head and tried to wriggle out of Rukawa's arms, "Hanase, Kitsune. I can't believe I'm making you afraid just by my presence. It's obvious I'm disturbing you, I'll leave..."

But the struggle was futile as the other man was as strong as he was.

"I wasn't ready to let someone love me as intense as this. I thought by pushing you away, I could be myself. But I was wrong..." Rukawa gazed at his lover and reached out a shaky hand to gently caress the bruise on the other's jaw, his blue eyes now filled with guilt and pleading, "I was so horribly wrong...I killed your spirit...and hearing you cry each night really broke my heart. And what happened tonight when I found you here, trying to hold back your tears...I really regretted what I've done to you for the past year. If you leave me, I'd die. The chance for me to love you was there but I was selfish and cruel not to take it. There's no one else I'd rather be with. There's only you..."

Rukawa carefully observed the man in front of him. Sakuragi was hyperventilating silently in stunned silence, his facial features were tense as they tried to hold back the impending urge to weep.

"Don't give me those excuses, Kitsune. What if you don't mean it? You'd only want me to stay and then tomorrow you'll act like nothing had happened the night before. I gave you my heart yet I couldn't have yours. How can I trust you now?"

Sakuragi reluctantly pulled away from Rukawa and faced away. Rukawa's face held a tinge of pain.

"I don't know what to believe anymore..." Sakuragi shoulders were shaking slightly, "It hurts, Kaede..."

'What have I done...' Rukawa shivered and hugged him from behind, nuzzling the top of the crimson covered head with his pale cheek, "Don't make this hard on us. I know that I'm being selfish but I'm ready to face everything if it makes you stay and make the pain disappear. Onegai, Hana...will you give me another chance? Please?"

Sakuragi was shivering with intense emotion as his brown eyes were filled to the brim with tears. Although he should have listened to his mind to break away from the other man and leave without turning back, his heart convinced him that his lover was speaking the truth. He was hurting his Kitsune and himself. The second chance to renew their relationship was there. He narrowly missed it but he managed to grab it just in time.

"Hana..." Rukawa's voice was uncharacteristically pleading with sadness, "Say something...anything...but please...don't say goodbye..."

Sakuragi couldn't take in the sad tone of his lover as he sharply turned to face him. Rukawa's face was already tainted with silvery tears trails, his blue eyes filled with pain and sadness...nothing like the icy hearted mask and bravado he wore. It was at that moment, Sakuragi finally gave into his tears and launched himself onto the other man's body.

"Kit...Ka-Ka...Kaede!"

Rukawa didn't pull back as Sakuragi buried his head against his neck and wept loudly like a child as they crumpled onto their knees on the floor. Instead, the raven haired man wrapped his arms around the redhead's shoulders, softly brushing his hair and whispering tender words in his ear. Tears on Sakuragi's cheeks trickled down in tiny crystal rivulets and onto Rukawa's sweater and his arms went around his lover's waist in an iron grip. Rukawa continued to cradle the other man who cried out the pent up sorrow and heartbreak he had endured for the past year.

With an aching heart, Sakuragi rambled as he continued crying, "Ka-Kaede...I'm so sorry...I didn't mean what I said. Please...I love you, Kaede...I love you. I love you. I love you, Kaede...please don't leave me. I need you. I want you. It's not your fault. It's all my fault. I love you so much that I'd die, Kaede. Why did you push me away? It hurts. I-"

"Shhhh..." Rukawa voice changed from its monotonous quality to a soft, tender kind as he rocked his lover in his arms back and forth gently, "Shhhh...Hana, daijoubu...shhhh..."

"Kistune...onegai...I love you..." Sakuragi whimpered, burrowing his head against his shoulder, "I love you...I love you..."

"I'm so sorry, Do'aho..." Rukawa whispered, "Everything will change, Hana. I'm so sorry it took me so long...I'm so sorry...I love you too, Hana. I always have."

At the soft confession, Sakuragi's tears flowed even harder but a soft smile graced his lips. All the loathing, the pain, the depression, the anger and the intentions of leaving Rukawa vanished into thin air as he found himself being protected in his fox-eyed lover's embrace and warmth. This was what he wished for. This was what he needed most. He blushed when he felt Rukawa's long slender fingers touching his cheeks, tenderly wiping his tears away.

"No more crying, Hana," Sakuragi looked up to find Rukawa sporting a tender look he hadn't seen before. Rukawa cupped his face softly, "Don't cry anymore. Everything's going to be all right."

"Kitsune? Kaede..." Sakuragi reached out a shaky hand and placed it on a pale cheek to wipe away the faint tear trails, "This has got to be a dream..."

The brown orbs were filled with some sadness.

"If it is only for tonight...I...I don't mind if you give me one last kiss or hug...all I ask is a little bit of love, Kaede...or even...be a small part of your life..." Sakuragi allowed his hand to fall and his gaze downcast.

Rukawa shook his head with resolute, tilting the redhead's chin to meet his eyes, "Do'aho, I don't want you to be a small part of my life..."

Rukawa caressed his lover's cheek with his thumb.

"I want you to be a big part, Hana. I just need time for adjustment..." Rukawa whispered as he gave a soft and hesitant kiss on the redhead's forehead, "I'm willing to take the second chance to make you happy again. I want to make our time together in basketball special from now onwards. Will you let me, do'aho?"

Sakuragi gave a nod with shining brown hopeful eyes and a smile adorning his lips. Much to the redhead's surprise, Rukawa initiated their very first kiss. It was slow and gentle before it turned on with possessive aggression. Rukawa arms were now snaking around Sakuragi's waist, pushing their hips together and leaving no gap between their bodies. Sakuragi let out a whimper and a sob and pulled his lover closer, ravaging his lips like they were his source of everlasting elixir of life. Rukawa growled and pushed his lover against a nearby wall before resuming. The kiss was broken as Rukawa trailed his lips to suck on Sakuragi's neck, leaving a red mark in its place. Rukawa growled with satisfaction with a husky whispered 'Mine'. The redhead panted and moaned softly at his lover's assault before he was pulled for another warm embrace.

"Kitsune, you're not the seme for nothing, are you?" Sakuragi whispered as he laid his head comfortably on the crook of his lover's shoulder, only to have his earlobe nibbled lightly, sending a pleasurable chill down his spine.

"Aa...demo..." Rukawa paused for a moment, "Will you promise me that you'll never leave me?"

A kiss was pressed on the pale man's neck, "Aa, Kitsune. Even if you would hurt me in any way...I won't leave."

"I won't hurt you again, Do'aho...not after what happened tonight...and the days before..." Rukawa whispered with earnest honesty, "I only want you to be with me. I just...I just hope that you made the right decision. I know that I'm not perfect with expressing my feelings like you do and-"

"Don't change yourself, Kaede," Sakuragi interrupted smoothly, "I don't want you to change your character just because of me. I fell in love with Rukawa Kaede whose traits are opposite to me, Sakuragi Hanamichi. I just hope that...you won't push me away and leave me for another...that's my greatest fear."

Rukawa smiled assuringly and hugged the man even tighter, "Not a chance, Hana, I'm willing to learn how I can love you...because you are the Tensai."

Sakuragi became mesmerized by the beautiful smile on his lover's face when he pulled back to feel the pale hand tenderly cupping his tanned cheek. The redhead beamed with shiny brown eyes as he and his lover closed the distance between them for another kiss before leaving the pub hand in hand. The atmosphere between the two men changed. For it was warm and companionable, nothing like the tense and hostile atmosphere they shared in the past year. And when Rukawa interlocked his fingers with his redhead's and bestowed a kiss on the back of his hand with a strange but ethereally beautiful glow in his eyes, Sakuragi felt happy, knowing that his love was finally reciprocated, and the beautiful and unbridled emotion deep within his and his lover's souls would forever remain ocean deep.

OWARI

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Author's note: Hmmm...I think I may have overdone it. But is it worth reading? Please leave a review? (puppy dog look) 


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